So, you have decided it is time for couples counseling, but you are worried how you will keep the peace until your first session. Here are three simple tips to help reduce conflict and to get in to a positive mindset for your couples counseling.
Do: Write out a list of reasons why you want to fight for the relationship.
Don’t: Only focus on why you are so unhappy in the relationship.
It is natural to start thinking about everything that you want to address about your relationship before starting couples counseling, but if you only focus on the bad, it can leave you feeling more upset and helpless than before. You want to look at the whole picture which includes the bad and the good. Making a list of both the good and the bad can help you keep a more balanced and realistic view of your relationships and your goals for change.
Do: Make a list of major issues to be addressed in session.
Don’t: Have the same fight over and over.
If the two of you have had the same argument countless times without coming to any resolution, it may be time to take a step back and try a new approach. Until you can process the conflict in session and find better ways to communicate about the issues, it may be best to put the issue on hold and journal about it instead. This can be helpful for several reasons.
One, it can prevent having one more conflict where both partners leave feeling hurt and misunderstood.
Two, by writing about the issue, it can help you clarify how you really feel about the issue without being in such a defensive mindset due to a fight.
Three, by writing down the common conflicts, you can have practical examples to discuss in your couples session. Often, it is hard to remember the specific details of a conversation after the fact, so having it written down can make the process much easier.
Do: Express hope that your relationship can change for the better.
Don’t: Talk about how the relationship is probably not salvageable.
Talking about our hopes can make us feel very vulnerable when we have been hurt in the past, but describing a situation as hopeless greatly reduces your chances of creating positive change. It reduces our motivation to try, and the more we say or hear a situation is hopeless the more we believe it. Just by sharing your hopes, you can increase the likely hood that you and your partner will be willing to fully commit to the counseling process and try wholeheartedly to improve your relationship.
