Codependence

What does codependence mean?

The term codependence can be very confusing because the word itself just means mutual dependence or two people relying on each other, which is not necessarily bad or unhealthy. However, when the term is used to describe a person as being ‘codependent’ or a relationship of ‘codependency’, it refers to a particular type of relational cycle with a pattern of unhealthy dependence. To avoid confusion, I will use the term healthy codependence to describe the ideal type of mutual dependence and the term unhealthy codependence to describe the unhealthy pattern of dependence.

What is unhealthy codependence?

In relationships of unhealthy codependence, all members of the relationship rely on each other to meet their needs, but in ways that are not very effective and can even be harmful. Members are not able to express their needs in healthy ways or set personal boundaries, so personal needs are rarely fully met. Members may refuse to take responsibility for their own responsibilities, while other members may be too busy trying to take care of other’s responsibilities that they neglect their own. Members often do not know how to communicate about issues effectively, so attempts to address issues may cause a large amount of conflict, or issues may just not be addressed at all. Unfortunately, emotional and verbal abuse are also common in these relationships.

Who is considered a ‘codependent’?

The term ‘codependent’ is used to describe someone who has been conditioned to accept and relate with others in a way that creates or reinforces relationships of unhealthy codependence.

When research on codependence first started, it was mainly used to describe the spouse of someone with a chemical addiction, such as the wife of an alcoholic, but now research has shown that codependency can develop in a range of different kinds of dysfunctional families or relationships.

Often, this process starts in childhood, when a child is raised in a dysfunctional family. They may learn this way of relating to others because they watched their parents/guardians model unhealthy codependence or because their parent/guardian started to depend too heavily on the child, and the child was pulled into the caregiver role. However, it can also develop in adult relationships.

Below is a list of traits that describe a typically “codependent’ experience. However, keep in mind that each individual’s experience is unique, so this list in no way defines all the possible experiences, nor will every ‘codependent’ identify with every single trait listed.

Traits list:

You feel-

Preoccupied if anyone around you is unhappy or having problems
Selfish if you do not put others’ needs first
Useless/worthless if you are not helping someone
Responsible for anything that does or could go wrong
Powerless when you realize a situation is unhealthy or needs to change
Resentment towards those who depend on you
Guilty for nearly everything

You may notice-

You find yourself in one unhealthy relationship right after another
You have difficulty identifying and expressing your own needs and wants
You try to control or manipulate others for their own good
Your self-worth and happiness are directly related to how others treat you
You have a hard time making decisions
You are not sure how much to trust others
You make threats but rarely follow through on healthy boundaries

How can therapy help?

Therapy can help you gain a better understanding of what is healthy vs unhealthy, how your codependency developed, and what you can do to stop the cycle. You can work through this process in individual sessions or couples sessions if you are currently in a relationship.

Learn how to:

Stop codependent behavior patterns
Communicate effectively
Help others without enabling
Set effective boundaries
Improve your self-esteem
Identify and express your needs and feelings
Manage unearned guilt
Heal from past abuse
Chose healthy relationships

If you are interested in requesting a session or a free consultation call, please visit the Request an Appointment page.